


Where’s A Disney Death When You Need One?

by Sarah1281



Series: Aunn Aeducan [7]
Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Humor, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-18 22:26:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4722632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah1281/pseuds/Sarah1281
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riordan survived his assault on the Archdemon and so did the other Grey Wardens. Now, he's quite eager to hear how the Blight was stopped without a sacrifice and the other three Wardens are just as eager to completely avoid the subject...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where’s A Disney Death When You Need One?

Riordan survived his assault on the Archdemon and so did the other Grey Wardens. Now, he's quite eager to hear how the Blight was stopped without a sacrifice and the other three Wardens are just as eager to completely avoid the subject...  
Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Aeducan, Alistair - Words: 2,148 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 6 - Published: Feb 23, 2010 - Status: Complete - id: 5770514  
\+ -   
Where's A Disney Death When You Need One?

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age.

The senior Grey Warden in Ferelden, Riordan, was more than glad to see the end of the Blight. Denerim had been attacked, true, but word had been sent in enough time for an evacuation and all in all the death toll really wasn't as high as it could have been. It certainly wasn't as high as it should have been. Not that he begrudged their dwarven savior her survival, but it was a little suspect to say the least, which was why he'd called the other three Ferelden Grey Wardens to his side a week after the defeat of the Archdemon.

"So, the 'Hero of Ferelden', huh?" Riordan began, opting not to delve right into what was sure to be an unsatisfying discussion. "Well done."

Lady Aunn Aeducan made a face at her new title. "I've been told that the name was Alistair's idea. I knew he was still mad at me for the whole turning the embodiment of evil in his eyes into a Grey Warden, but I am going to be saddled with this nickname for the rest of my life!"

"Which should only be another twenty-nine years or so, so all things considered, it could really be worse," Loghain told her unsympathetically, having also been stuck with an uninspired heroic nickname by Alistair's equally unimaginative father.

"Not if Avernus comes through for me…" Aunn muttered.

"What was that?" Riordan asked sharply. There was no way to outlast the taint. At least, no way not involving dangerous blood magic, he supposed.

"Twenty-nine years is such a long time to be saddled with such a stupid nickname," Aunn quickly lied. Riordan decided to let it go for now as he really did have more pressing matters to attend to than this 'Avernus' character. Although the name did sound somewhat familiar…

"What?" Alistair asked, somewhat defensively. "Give me a break! It's just like how Loghain is the Hero of River Dane."

"And now you're comparing me to Loghain?" Aunn was incredulous. "Seriously, not cool."

Loghain raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said you didn't think I was a complete monster." The words 'I knew you were just saying that to be diplomatic' went unsaid, but were clearly there.

"I don't!" Aunn insisted. "Alistair, however, seems to blame you for everything from Isolde being an insecure and irrational bitch to the very existence of the darkspawn."

"I do not!" Alistair cried. He stopped. "Well, maybe just a little…And what would you rather have been called anyway?"

"Anything but the 'Hero of Ferelden'," came the prompt response. "I'm not picky. You called Leliana 'Princess Stabbity Stab' once."

There was a story behind that, Riordan was sure, especially as he had met this Leliana and she seemed a kind if overly devout Chantry sister. Still, that was rather beside the point, which his fellow Wardens seemed intent on avoiding.

"You…" Alistair trailed off. "You want me to call you that? Wouldn't that hurt your precious PR?"

Aunn smirked. "No among the dwarves, it wouldn't. Quite the opposite, actually, and I could really use the PR boost. Harrowmont said he'll name me his successor as well as the heir to House Aeducan, but the Assembly has to approve of me and I was recently an exiled kinslayer who killed half of the Assembly. Although whether that hurts my chances is anyone's guess…"

"But they know you're innocent now, don't they?" Alistair asked, trying and failing to sound unconcerned.

"They did," Aunn acknowledged. "But thanks to Bhelen I am, in fact, now a kinslayer. Not that anyone but his supporters are holding it against me, given the circumstances."

"Have I ever told you how bizarre dwarven politics is?" Loghain asked rhetorically.

Aunn nodded. "You have indeed. Several times, in fact. But considering that once a dwarf becomes a Paragon and their House becomes elevated into the ranks of the nobility then they and their kin are considered to be the equals to those who have been nobility for generations – although with understandably less political power due to their lack of alliances – you would have had far less problems with prissy nobles had you been a dwarf."

But Loghain shook his head. "Even they would have had problems with what I did to Cailan, I'm sure."

"They'd better," Alistair growled. "Or I've officially lost all hope for that species."

Aunn rolled her eyes. "Your faith in my people is safe, Alistair. And yes, while you do not kill a King or get caught plotting against nobles, someone as idealistic and impractical as Cailan probably wouldn't have lived long enough to be a serious contender for the throne, no matter who his father was. Not to mention that the Assembly never would have chosen him either way. Anora, on the other hand, probably wouldn't have had any problems securing the throne."

"It would seem that they have more sense than the Landsmeet, then," Loghain noted. "Which from what I've heard of the Assembly is a rather disturbing prospect."

Riordan decided that it was time to intervene or they would never get around to discussing the Archdemon. He cleared his throat. "While dwarven politics is undoubtedly both fascinating and deadly, that's not what I called you three here to talk about."

Aunn sighed. "Shame. That's one of my favorite topics."

"Can you please hurry this up, then?" Alistair asked impatiently. "Being in the same room as Loghain without attempting to kill him is killing me and I'm still angry with Aunn."

"Lady Aeducan," Aunn corrected him, yet again. He was really having difficulty with her recently restored title.

Alistair stared at her. "Seriously? After everything we've been through?"

"You're the one who said we weren't friends anymore," Aunn pointed out, stubbornly crossing her arms. "And the novelty of having my title back has yet to wear off."

"Do you foresee this happening anytime soon?" Loghain wanted to know.

Aunn considered the question. "I wouldn't hold my breath."

Riordan cleared his throat again as that seemed to be the only surefire way he could get their attention. "As I was saying…we are the only Grey Wardens still in Ferelden."

"Except for Avernus," Aunn amended. "But he wasn't really interested in the Blight, so I suppose that for the sake of this discussion, we are."

Alistair glared at her. "Except that I'm NOT a Grey Warden anymore. I resigned to marry Anora, remember?"

"I wasn't aware that being a Grey Warden and marrying my daughter were mutually exclusive," Loghain said dryly.

"Just because you decided to quit five minutes before Loghain did the Joining doesn't mean that you get out of being in the same order," Aunn told him flatly.

"It was at least an hour," Alistair claimed.

"Alistair, you cannot stop being a Grey Warden," Riordan said seriously. "You can pretend whatever you like, but sooner or later you'll find yourself in Orzammar fighting darkspawn until you fall."

"Cheer up," Aunn said brightly. "If you're going to get killed by darkspawn, at least it will be in Orzammar. Besides, if you weren't a Grey Warden, why would you be here?"

"I refuse to believe that it is impossible to resign from the Grey Wardens," Alistair said firmly. "But since Loghain is inherently evil and Aunn – sorry, Aunn- has a very loose grasp of morality, I felt I should be here for this."

"We, or, more particularly, Aunn, slayed the Archdemon," Riordan recounted. "There were plenty of darkspawn around for the Archdemon to reform itself, but it didn't. A Grey Warden ended the Blight by slaying the Archdemon and yet we're all still alive. Would somebody care to explain this to me?"

Alistair, Loghain, and Aunn exchanged glances.

"Don't look at me," Alistair said quickly. "I wasn't there."

"And you have no idea?" Riordan was skeptical. What were they hiding?

"If I had an idea, Aunn would have a better one," Alistair declared. "I would have heard it from her, after all."

Aunn glared at him. "Traitor!" She coughed. "And since I'm suddenly bereft of morals, I was probably lying."

"Then what do you think happened?" Riordan pressed.

"I'm sure I don't know," Aunn said innocently. "The last Blight was over four hundred years ago. Are we really sure that the act of killing an Archdemon requires a Grey Warden's death? Maybe Garahel just died of his wounds."

"The records state otherwise," Riordan objected.

"The records can say whatever people want them to say," Aunn said dismissively. "For instances, for a year prior to my defeating the Archdemon, I ceased to exist in Orzammar and so those who weren't overcome by disgust for me pretended that they didn't know me."

"Then why can only a Grey Warden kill the Archdemon?" Riordan asked reasonably.

"Maybe the non-Grey Wardens who tried just didn't do enough damage but came close enough to prompt a body switch," Aunn suggested. "It's been common knowledge since the First Blight that a Grey Warden has to be the one to defeat the Archdemon, even if no one knew why and Grey Wardens are better at fighting darkspawn that your average soldier."

"Or maybe it's because you're a female or a dwarf," Loghain said sardonically. "Or it could be both at once. The last Grey Warden to end the Blight was an elven male, right?"

"That's officially my new theory," Aunn announced happily.

"I highly doubt that played a part," Riordan informed them.

"Well, what do you want us to say?" Aunn demanded. "We survived because we used sex magic to make the untainted Archdemon an apostate's baby?"

"Of course not," Riordan said immediately, not even considering the possibility that that is exactly what had happened. "But if you have a way to slay the Archdemon without a sacrifice, that is the kind of thing we might need to know. Or what if it's not really dead? That's something we definitely need to know."

"You're free to look into it," Aunn offered. "But I doubt you'll find anything."

"I hope you don't find anything," Loghain added, shuddering slightly.

"The very thought is making me ill," Alistair contributed.

"You're not the only one," Loghain agreed.

Alistair drew back as if struck. "No. I am NOT agreeing with you on something. I think it was a perfectly reasonable solution that won't come back to bite us in the ass in any way, shape, or form. And Morrigan will make a wonderful single mother, I can just tell."

"You're speaking as if you did create a child," Riordan noted, alarmed.

"We were speaking in hypotheticals, of course," Aunn said hastily.

Riordan remained unconvinced. "Right."

"I just can't see Morrigan putting up with a guy long enough to raise a kid with him so she'd almost have to be a single mother." Alistair paused and tilted his head. "For that matter, I don't think she really liked kids, either."

"Surely you wouldn't be so irresponsible as to unleash an Old God in the hands of an apostate on the world," Riordan said, hoping he was right.

"Isn't the Grey Warden motto 'whatever it takes'?" Loghain asked pointedly.

"That's not exactly our motto, but yes, it is one of our founding philosophies," Riordan conceded. "Still, to do that would be highly unnecessary as the Archdemon can be killed through a simple self-sacrifice."

"And we would surely never be so irresponsible," Aunn agreed solemnly.

"Then that brings us back to my original questions," Riordan reminded them. "How did you survive?"

Aunn shrugged. "I'm sure I don't know. It's a miracle, that's for sure."

"Maybe the Maker protected you," Alistair said sarcastically.

"That was uncalled for," Aunn sniffed. "Although I'm not going to rule out the Ancestors…speaking of, if we're done here I need to figure out how to convince the isolationist king I just put on the throne to accept human aid to wipe out the darkspawn in the Deep Roads. If that doesn't secure my role as heir, I don't' know what will…"

And with that, she promptly left Loghain and Alistair to deal with Riordan's questions. Too bad for them, but at least it was no longer her problem.


End file.
